It’s 12:30 in the morning, and I can’t sleep. I’ve never really struggled with insomnia,
thankfully. Aaron jokes about how I’m
asleep the instant my head hits the pillow… sometimes sooner. And odd that I should actually be exhausted
from jetlag. I was thinking about it,
while lying there, and decided that my circadian rhythm flew right past my
drowsy hours thanks to, what I thought at the moment was a well-timed cup of
coffee, intended to carry me through the kiddos baths and bedtimes. I brewed a K-cup at my parent’s house around
5pm, which would have been about 10:00 Maui-time. Right about that hour, I would usually be
getting sleepy. Now, my Hawaii-and-caffeine-infused
brain thinks it’s 5:30am, and if I’m awake, I must be up for the day.
So I’ve had an hour or so of quiet this evening/ morning to
reflect on the introspective and spiritual moments I had while away. We arrived back in Houston this afternoon from
6 days in Ka’anapali, Maui, that blessed place.
It was our first time away from Nathaniel for more than 3 days, and the
first time we’ve left Lily at all. It
was like a second honeymoon, celebrating our 10th anniversary. The time we had together was refreshing and
renewing; just the two of us, a couple in love, light and easy. But it was also a time to reflect on who I’m
becoming as a mother, wife, and a grown-up in general. Being away from my children really allowed me
to consider what is important to me in life and death. I’ve noticed since becoming a parent, that I
see everything through glasses that bear that hue. It’s a lovely hue, sometimes weighty, but
always treasured as a gift.
I realized that what I’m longing for is to become the wife,
mother, and grown-up God created me to be.
I’m not sure I know entirely what that looks like, but I’m quite certain
I’ve got a ways to go, and there are ample pressures and “responsibilities” to pull
me in the other direction. Over the past
year or so, I have felt many times inadequate, like I’m falling behind, in
every aspect of my life. I haven’t
taught Nathaniel to read yet, or Lily to fall asleep on her own. I was, until recently, over 6 months behind
in printing pictures I’ve taken of the two of them…6 months! (who could fathom?!?), and I’ve never
organized any of the videos we’ve taken of our children since Nathaniel was
born. Practically nothing is stored on a
back-up hard drive. And these are just
my technological shortcomings. There’s
the fact that I am not much of a cook, that I fed Lily store-bought baby food
after a feeble attempt at homemade purees.
My desk is a perpetual graveyard for medical journals I aspire to but
almost never read. I haven’t updated our
blog since February, despite the fact that a monthly update was on my list of “goals”
for the year. I haven’t managed to teach
Nathaniel to write the 9 letters of his name in order yet. I’m too exhausted to be romantic when Aaron gets
home, and I haven’t come up with any major contributions to the betterment of
efficiency in our medical practice in months.
There. That’s just
the beginning of the confessional. And the truth is, these silly things individually do not keep me up at night. As I alluded to in the beginning, not much does; rather they all add up to this nagging feeling of inadequacy. But,
(effortfully attempting to let that go) getting back to the frame of mind I left
Maui with, I’m starting to see that all that stuff doesn’t really matter so much. Because perhaps what my husband needs is a wife
that will linger with him at the dinner table, rather than rushing off to get
the dishes done, or lounge with him on the sofa that rare Sunday afternoon when both
children miraculously coincide their naps, rather than seeing what-I-can-get-done in that precious hour. Maybe what
my children need is a mother who is not in a hurry All The Time; a mother who
can capture a tender moment fully, without checking her watch or blasted dinging
iPhone. A mother who can be fully
present, impervious to distraction by the mountain of laundry waiting to be folded.
What about teaching my children to live
in the moment, love in present tense, and connect with others outside of a scheduled
meeting or perfectly choreographed play date?
I don’t want to hear Nathaniel,
sensing the hurry in my voice, ask me “are we running late?”, “are we going to
miss it”?!? Ever. Again. As one of my Bible study teachers, Jana, so
wisely stated recently, Jesus had more to accomplish in His three years of
ministry than I have in my lifetime. If
He was not in a hurry, then I should not hurry either.
So now the challenge as I settle back in at home, is to not
get wrapped up again in all the details and techno-duties. To
weed out what is distraction and get to the core; what is good, sweet, and
honest. To roll around more and fold less. To linger longer and move slower, and softer.
My time with Aaron in Maui was a gift, from my parents who
watched our children, United Airlines who gave us the mileage “reward”, and
from my Creator who whispered through it all, “Slow down, look up.” And that’s just what I intend to do, by the grace of God.
John 10:10
John 14:27
From our hotel room window
Sunset Dinner Cruise
black sand beach
Just lovely
